just looking for the sun, even in the rain


July 2015

TWLOHA realness for tonight

💛I love TWLOHA. All of their blogs have helped so many people. 

Tonight, this one spoke to me. Give it a look.
be blessed ❤


This being “brave” business

Alright, I have a bone to pick. And it’s with being “brave”. Hear me out, okay? 

I have some seriously amazing mentors, and one of them particularly tells me often “you are so brave!!” And I’m over here thinking “she’s crazy because I am in no way brave. I cry still, and have some crazy anxiety, and I am having the HARDEST time trusting God.” But it came to me, I’m brave because even in all this mess, I still choose to live and get up and LOVE. 
Being brave doesn’t mean you’re fighting every single battle head on with no fear; it means you’re fighting every single battle. Some how. Some way.
Short and sweet today, I wasn’t even going to post it. But I had a rough night and was reminded about this.

Go forth and be brave.

be blessed ❤

Something everyone struggles with: what they see in the mirror

Okay, so regaurdless if you believe in God or not, this post is for you.

So I have been getting a lot of positive feed back, and it’s GREAT! So I was in a quick prayer time and I asked God “What should I write about next?” and it came to me today while I was getting ready: Beauty. What it really is. I plan on actually looking into what God says about me more, but the first thing I read while I was studying today was the story of David’s anointing (1 Samuel 16)

*even if you don’t believe in God, just bare with me, okay?*

In 1 Samuel 16:7 the Lord told Samuel “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” and that spoke volumes to me..

Even when I was with Ron, I never felt pretty. Ever. When he left, I was forced to work through some parts of my heart that were very dark. And Ever since then, I wake up feeling more confident than I ever have. No, it’s not the blonde hair or the totally rad septum ring. It’s inside me. I am more confident in the woman I am.

So. What does all of this mean to you? I’m glad you are wondering that 🙂

People are always going to have their own perception of beauty. If you look to a human for your worth, you won’t ever find it, I promise.. I tried. To be honest, we all get old too… like, wrinkley and smelly old people.. And the things the hottest people are doing to be that “good looking” are making them ugly down the line.

My point in that is physical looks aren’t all they are cracked up to be. Would you want a child with a smoking hot babe that has no brain and is mean, or with a HUMAN that has a beautiful mind with a kind and soft personality? The person who is kind is more attractive.

OKAY, so now I wanna get to the real issue. You aren’t feeling like this because of the words someone says, but more so your hearts condition. If you have anger, bitterness, resentment, jealousy, ect in your heart, it’s not going to reflect light. Deal with those things. Put them in the trash. Work on yourself INSIDE. A good heart shines more than anything.

Also, why are you surrounding yourself with people that don’t lift you up? Just food for thought.

So I have a challenge for you and it comes with 3 parts.

1)wake up every morning and look in the mirror and say “I am good enough, I am good looking, I am a good person”

2) dig deep in your heart… What is weighing you down? Acknowledge it. Deal with it. Delete it.

3) start making an effort to be more compassionate. to smile more. to love harder.

After you’ve done that for a month, tell me how you feel. For me, I loved my face without makeup, my smile felt more real and radiant, and I felt good without being told I should.

I’m praying for anyone with low self-esteem. I’m praying those words are canceled. I’m praying for anyone with a heavy heart. I’m praying the hurt goes away. I’m praying that every single person wakes up and knows their worth.

Remember, the outside fades, the inside is what lasts.

be blessed<3

Why you should follow @TWLOHA

This is literally how I make it some days! TWLOHA’s little reminders!  

Unconditional Love

This might be the hardest thing for me to talk about, but I’m ready to talk!

The bible defines love in this passage:

1 Corinthians 13 New International Version (NIV)

13 If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecyand can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror;then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 

This ‘love’ business isn’t for the selfish. I’m gunna take you on a little ride through my coming to understand love, so buckle up.

I always loved Ron. It was easy with him; we got along, we laughed, we cried, we kissed, we made memories.. even when his mom and dad made it difficult, it was relatively easy to love him. I always thought THAT was unconditional love… but I was waaaay mistaken.

The first time things got taken too far was my 21st birthday, and I wasn’t able to let go of that. Then they got worse, and I found out he wanted another girl. I literally wanted him gone right away. For 2 weeks, I just kept filing the papers online, then deleting it. Then, through devos and talking with my mentors, I realized it wasn’t what I wanted, or what God wanted. But by that time, Ron was ready to go, just wasn’t sure how to leave. The next 3-4 weeks sucked. I loved him when he cussed me out. I loved him when I woke up to him texting her. I loved him when he wouldn’t tell me he loved me. I loved Ron when Ron made himself Un-loveable.

After every single transgression I made it a mission to forgive him(which I sometimes failed pretty hard at). I made it a mission to fix what was wrong with myself. When he would get mad, I would make it my mission to tell him the ways that he was a good man.

When he finally did leave, I got down on my knees and I begged for him to come home. i fasted for him, which when your depressed and your comfort food is chicken and pepsi and you fast that, it sucks. FYI) I texted him once a day with how much I loved him, and a picture of us in a happier time.

In this time, I finally found out what unconditional love is. It’s loving your husband when he says mean words, or when he is having sex with another woman. It’s forgiving instantly. It’s wanting yourself to be better FOR THEM. It’s loving them at their unlovable.

Now you can say I’m crazy because he filed for divorce and is with multiple girls, and partying, but I don’t feel like that. Jesus loved us so much more than that. He went to HELL for a few days for you. And me. And Bobby-Sue. In the grand scheme of things, what I went through was nothing compared to Christ…

I’m praying for those of you that are starting to understand unconditional love the hard way. And I’m praying that if you haven’t had to discover that the hard way, you never have to.

be blessed ❤

It’s okay for special days to hurt still

So lets be honest, if you’re greiving losing someone the special days sucks. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays. After my sister left home and dropped contact I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday. THAT IS TOTALLY NORMAL! Do not let anyone tell you to suck it up. ALLOW YOURSELF YOUR FEELINGS!

So today was Ronald’s 23rd birthday. Ouch, the first “thing” since he left. Now, I have no desire to be with him anymore, but I understand covenant, and I’m sad we broke that. I’m sad Ron has turned into someone that I used to know. When I made my vows, I looked forward to days like today! I was stoked to have birthdays and anniversaries and holidays. But Ron made his choices. Just like if you have lost someone, they chose to leave or it was their time to go. Today I decided to make the choice to be BETTER. That’s what I pray for you!! Chose to rise above and define your circumstances, don’t let them define you!

On his birthday I wish him well, and I pray he finds God again. I pray my heart forgives him. and I pray God forgives him. Happy birthday, Ron. I don’t know you anymore, but I wish you the best.

My heart is heavy for anyone going through a tough time right now. You’re not alone.

be blessed ❤

This is for the ones getting by on Jesus and pop-punk music

I’m not even going to lie… driving with the windows down, blasting some good pop-punk is my escape lately.. Maybe even more than falling to my knees. The nights are long, and the days go slow. I just find companionship in the lyrics. I think I’m mad. I’m mad another girl took my husband. I’m mad I gave him my virginity. I’m mad he left. I’m mad I loved him. So the angsty lyrics help me know I’m not the only angry person. But I have even felt like my prayers aren’t being answered, like maybe I’m not worth the effort from God *this is the enemies favorite tactic with me*

There is times in life where everything is freaking peachy and Ponyboy has stayed golden… Then there is times like the last year of my life. Where happy means you were just able to get out of bed and shower that day. And you can listen to Tyler Carter without crying. And I’m here to tell you if you need to scream Brand New at the top of your lungs, then do it! If you need to listen to The Story
So Far and just tweet every relevant lyric, well at least you’re alive to tweet those lyrics.

But. (There is always a but, that’s another life lesson.) Don’t forget that you woke up for a reason, even if you woke up sad. God isn’t done with you. It’s hard as heck. Some days, I’m like “God you may not be done with me, but I’m super done with life” Those are the days I remember I NEED to fall to my knees. I NEED to ask for guidance. I NEED to be humbled. And remember, when you’re tired and you need rest GOD gives you peace… not Neck Deep(although they may come close 😉 )

Life is a mess, and I’ve decided it’s time to allow myself to feel, but I’m not staying in this mess, I’m moving on to my masterpiece.

I am writing this and praying for my people, the people chasing other people, the non-sleeping people, the crying out for love people, the hurting people, the angry people; you’re not alone. And to quote my most favorite TWLOHA “your story is important” and you best believe every single part of it is important, not just the good stuff.

be blessed ❤

PS I’m actually writing from conclusions I’ve been able to come to. This is all a part of my processing.

“my whole life has been composed of ‘it didn’t go as i planned’ and i’m okay with that”

I’m gunna break down my whole life in this blog post…. Sorry if it bores you.

I was born to a couple hot mess people. I love my parents dearly, but they had no reason to be together…. My dad was lonely, and my mom was always trying to fill a void. My dad was a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, my mom was not so recovered; just acted like it. My mom decided it would be a super fantastic idea to use substances while pregnant with my twin and I, so we had a stroke in her womb. Yes, that is very possible.

My childhood went exactly as a stereotype would predict. My mom was never there for me, and there were lots of guys in and out of our lives. One particularly molested me and my baby sister. There’s lots of stories about things that happened then, but I don’t have to time to write a book. (my dad has always been pretty solid, and sober. So not much happened with him when i was a kiddo)

When I was 9, my mom died. No clue what happened. So we went to live with out dad. (my big sisters with their dad, and my baby sister with hers*until she got taken away from him*) Things went really well for a year, then dad had heart surgery. He went into a coma for several months. When he finally recovered, he went home and I took care of him and my twin. After a few years of that, my dad got sick and was in a facility for 6 months. That’s when my adopted mom(aka THE BEST PERSON EVER) comes into play. She took us in and the rest was history. Dad was overdosed twice, the first time he forgot who I was, but he remembered I was important to him. The second time killed him.

When dad died, I spiraled. I wanted to die and I wanted to feel pain. So, I started inflicting pain on myself*totally not posting what it was because I have no clue what someone’s triggers are* I started failing school and I was slowly, but steadily losing all of my friends.

I dated realllllly not good guys. And made some not good choices. Then I met Ron (my now ex-husband) He was BAE before I knew his name. We fell in love so fast, and so deep it was insane. We were engaged after 3 months and married after a year and a half. He was my very best friend. My biggest supporter. We did everything together. He was everything I ever prayed for. At first being married was like clockwork. It came easy. Then I fell into a bad depression over losing my twin, and Ron found comfort in another girl(girl. not woman. my word choice is generally key). From December until mid spring, he was catching feelings for her, and treating me worse and worse. It started by him not being as affectionate, then he got mean, then he got violent. Then before I knew it he was drinking every night til the wee hours of the morning. He finally left one day and my life hasn’t been the same since.

I guess I’m going to stop tying out my story now, because that will come up in more blogs. There’s this line in “The Perks of Being a Wallflower”  So this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad. And I’m still trying to figure out how that could be

be blessed, ya’ll ❤

New to this “Blogging World”

I’m in no way a writer, but I have a lot to say. I have had a lot of life happen in my 21 years.

My whole goal for this is to let at least one person know they aren’t alone. Let one person know they aren’t crazy for how they are feeling. Let one person know that there is another hot mess of a human around.

I’m going to give ya a little over-view on my life currently, and a little of my past. I’m in no way qualified to tell you what’s right or wrong. Just lessons I’ve learned.

I’m Marissa (well, duh) I’m 21, and divorced. I love God so much, but fail Him now more than ever. That’s the beauty of God, though. He makes a masterpiece out of our messes 🙂 I’m probably going to post quite a few blogs tonight just to catch up my journal. Don’t judge my super bad writing style or my over baring need to be cool with my words.

be blessed, ya’ll ❤

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