just looking for the sun, even in the rain


November 2015

lose another day here

I have been wrestling with this since December 14th, 2014 (that is the day I realized that everything was all wrong). And I think I’m finally ready to talk about it. and “it” is standards and what you’re allowed to expect from the person you are with.

Okay, so let me be honest, there was warning signs well before my marriage… Like when Ron’s mom called me a slut (hello, I was a virgin.. in a serious committed relationship, but okay) or when his dad got right in my face and screamed at me telling me his son deserved better than me, prettier than me. And you wanna know what Ron did? Nothing. When I asked him why he didn’t say anything he  told me he figured I was strong enough and I didn’t need him to defend me…

So, I’m going to start there. No matter how strong I am, I deserve to have my honor defended, my character. No, I don’t need it, I’ve been defending my own self for my whole life, but dang it, I want that. And that’s not to much to ask. And I told him that, but Ron never did get that. Or rather, he did in fact get it, but he didn’t respect me enough in the beginning to act on it.

As a human, I think there tends to be this fear of being alone forever, or not being good enough. I know I have that. But our fears are putting us in the worst situations… They are forcing us to settle. We are losing our worth, our desires, our rights to fear.

My biggest fear is that nobody will love me and I’ll never get the family I’ve always wanted… But by settling, I became miserable (okay, before you freak out and screenshot this and send it to him, I do not regret my marriage. I would have continued until my last breath fighting for my covenant. But I realize now that I’m out of the situation that I let so many things go. and I am passionate about humans knowing how beautiful they are. So I am sharing.) I didn’t have man that wanted to pray with me, or read the bible with me. I didn’t have a seatmate at church on Sundays, or a partner in crime on Wednesdays. I couldn’t sing crazy with him anymore. I wasn’t being told that I was pretty, and I wasn’t being honored. I was being lied to, manipulated, cheated on, pushed around, and stolen from. And I allowed that because of my fears.

But the thing is… Ron didn’t give me worth. He literally was someone I loved with my whole heart, that didn’t love me the same back. But I wasn’t alone. and I had a chance at a family. Crazy how we rationalize things in our darkest times, huh?

After my divorce, I learned a million things about myself. I learned I enjoyed staying up late and watching 90s reruns. I loved eating Coney Island with my best friends at 3 am. I learned I am a big kid at heart.  I learned that I enjoyed wine and crying(it’s good for the soul). I like driving my loud car around with all the windows down singing emo music with people. I enjoy alter calls at church. I love working with teenagers. I learned I wanted to become a children’s pastor. But, most importantly, I learned that it’s okay for me to expect in my future relationships. It’s okay to have goals, and it’s okay to turn people down because they aren’t where I am or they have no intentions of being there. And I learned that no man is going to make me any more beautiful than I already am.

So, I encourage you if you’re in a relationship that isn’t helping you become all God has called you to be, leave*unless you’re married. Talk to a trusted person of God*. If you are in a relationship where you’re not being honored, leave. HAVE EXPECTATIONS. and DO NOT SETTLE. Don’t let your fears win. Don’t let the devil steal your destiny. Make a list of all the qualities that are important to you. And stick to it! And most importantly, when you wake up in the morning tell yourself how wonderful you are. Because you are wonderful and you are beautiful. Even in all of our flaws, God made us in His image. That means everyone.


I’m praying for anyone that is walking through this right now.


be blessed<3

So, is it really okay to not be okay?

This is probably going to be the hardest to write. Not because the stuff is hard to talk about, but because it’s hard to show my true emotions. The last few weeks have been rough for me. Though I have been able to have many times of joy, I have been struggling. My anxiety is high, I haven’t been sleeping, I have been crying so much, and I haven’t been myself. I’ve been sensitive, and moody. Good Lord, I have been a hot mess..

It’s by Gods grace alone that I’ve made it this far… But sometimes I feel ashamed that I am so low. I feel like I should be okay because I serve an amazing God. But, my heart has been shattered, and God is slowly restoring me. Becoming “better” is a process.

So, I’m just going through a repair right now. The last 12 months of my life have been a whole lot of betrayal, lies, abuse, sadness, depression, abandonment, and other things that go into the category of “bad stuff”. Just like when you have surgery to fix something, it hurts until it is fully healed, then, in most cases, you’re better than ever.

But right now, I am not better than ever. I am a broken human that hasn’t slept decently in weeks, has a broken heart, and has to give out a lot of apologies for how she reacts to things. I really don’t mean to be a mess. I wish desperately I wasn’t getting better. I wish I was already good. But I’m not. and This is who I am while I walk through this.

God gave me this verse Psalms 34:17-18 “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from  all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit”

He isn’t ashamed of me, or anyone else that isn’t okay. He loves us deeply. He is so proud we are still fighting the good fight.

So, in my prayer and worship, I have concluded: it is okay to not be okay.

Praying for my fellow humans that are having “heart” surgery. You can do it! God believes in us!

be blessed<3

Statistically Speaking…

What is up? I always say “hi” or something along those lines, but I really wanna know what is going on in your world. I wish this was like Facebook. So I could talk to the people that read my blog. ANYWAYS. Hey, hi, what’s up?

I was in a support class this week, and the guy started talking about statistics, and I felt like I was a whole millimeter tall. I felt so insignificant. And it hit me… how many other people feel like they are just a predicted number? And I prayed about that. How awful I felt, and to know others probably felt the same way? That broke my heart.

But God is so good, He let me in on a little secret…

YOU ARE NOT A STATISTIC. You are more than the 1/3 kids who come from a broken home. You are more than a teen pregnancy. You are more than a failed marriage. You are more than the things the numbers try to label you as.

Nobody on this earth, not one person, can be you. They cannot think how you think, they cannot feel how you feel, and they cannot fulfill your destiny the way you are designed to do it. And the numbers don’t tell you that. The numbers don’t radiate the beauty your smile does. The numbers don’t show the love you give. The numbers don’t show the people you’ve touched.

So maybe you’re a recovering addict because your parents picked up the bottle, and you did after them. Or maybe you’re nursing your baby while you’re finishing school. Or maybe you’re signing divorce papers. Maybe, just maybe you’re fighting the urge to harm yourself tonight. Those facts do not define you. Those are past choices, that you are trying to make better.

Can I tell you some facts though? You are a child of God. He DID make you in His image. He DOES want you to live a full and prosperous life. You ARE a beautiful human. and last but not least, YOU ARE WORTHY OF GOOD THINGS. And that is what statistically speaking doesn’t tell you. But, I’m here to tell you 😉

Be encouraged tonight friends, you are so wonderful. And if you just feel like an insignificant number, message me. I will tell you all the good things I can type about you.

be blessed<3

Dreams really can come true

Okay, so I am a person that cherishes the deeper meanings. My mom always points this out. Dates are important to me, objects, sayings, gestures; it’s all important. And I think that’s why my Halloween costume was so important to me. So bare with me…

Ever since I met Ron I literally dreamed of being Minnie Mouse, I was in love with the idea of us going as a couple costume. But Ron always thought it was dumb, and we both always worked on Halloween; so we never did it.

Now fast forward, I’m freshly divorced and finding myself.

I needed a costume. and I decided to be Minnie because I didn’t have to spend any money on it. It felt so good finally doing what I wanted to do. and I rocked that Minnie Mouse get up like nobodies business

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But more importantly, I’ve been letting someones opinion dictate what I did for two years, and I finally just did what I wanted to do. Sometimes, we forget that even our small dreams, are counted when they come to pass.

I know it was just some Minnie ears and makeup, but I was so happy that I was finally doing what I wanted. As I was working at church, my heart just became full. I have my dream job, I am a youth leader, I am going to school, and I’m ALIVE. I’m alive to experience these glorious moments, these sad moments, and I’m able to give glory to God.

Hopefully, I wasn’t rambling. I probably was. Sorry. I told you I wasn’t a good writer, nor was I writing for a purpose other than saying what’s on my mind!

I’m praying for anyone that needs their “little dreams” to come true.

be blessed ❤

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