This is probably going to be the hardest to write. Not because the stuff is hard to talk about, but because it’s hard to show my true emotions. The last few weeks have been rough for me. Though I have been able to have many times of joy, I have been struggling. My anxiety is high, I haven’t been sleeping, I have been crying so much, and I haven’t been myself. I’ve been sensitive, and moody. Good Lord, I have been a hot mess..
It’s by Gods grace alone that I’ve made it this far… But sometimes I feel ashamed that I am so low. I feel like I should be okay because I serve an amazing God. But, my heart has been shattered, and God is slowly restoring me. Becoming “better” is a process.
So, I’m just going through a repair right now. The last 12 months of my life have been a whole lot of betrayal, lies, abuse, sadness, depression, abandonment, and other things that go into the category of “bad stuff”. Just like when you have surgery to fix something, it hurts until it is fully healed, then, in most cases, you’re better than ever.
But right now, I am not better than ever. I am a broken human that hasn’t slept decently in weeks, has a broken heart, and has to give out a lot of apologies for how she reacts to things. I really don’t mean to be a mess. I wish desperately I wasn’t getting better. I wish I was already good. But I’m not. and This is who I am while I walk through this.
God gave me this verse Psalms 34:17-18 “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit”
He isn’t ashamed of me, or anyone else that isn’t okay. He loves us deeply. He is so proud we are still fighting the good fight.
So, in my prayer and worship, I have concluded: it is okay to not be okay.
Praying for my fellow humans that are having “heart” surgery. You can do it! God believes in us!