I have been wrestling with this since December 14th, 2014 (that is the day I realized that everything was all wrong). And I think I’m finally ready to talk about it. and “it” is standards and what you’re allowed to expect from the person you are with.
Okay, so let me be honest, there was warning signs well before my marriage… Like when Ron’s mom called me a slut (hello, I was a virgin.. in a serious committed relationship, but okay) or when his dad got right in my face and screamed at me telling me his son deserved better than me, prettier than me. And you wanna know what Ron did? Nothing. When I asked him why he didn’t say anything he told me he figured I was strong enough and I didn’t need him to defend me…
So, I’m going to start there. No matter how strong I am, I deserve to have my honor defended, my character. No, I don’t need it, I’ve been defending my own self for my whole life, but dang it, I want that. And that’s not to much to ask. And I told him that, but Ron never did get that. Or rather, he did in fact get it, but he didn’t respect me enough in the beginning to act on it.
As a human, I think there tends to be this fear of being alone forever, or not being good enough. I know I have that. But our fears are putting us in the worst situations… They are forcing us to settle. We are losing our worth, our desires, our rights to fear.
My biggest fear is that nobody will love me and I’ll never get the family I’ve always wanted… But by settling, I became miserable (okay, before you freak out and screenshot this and send it to him, I do not regret my marriage. I would have continued until my last breath fighting for my covenant. But I realize now that I’m out of the situation that I let so many things go. and I am passionate about humans knowing how beautiful they are. So I am sharing.) I didn’t have man that wanted to pray with me, or read the bible with me. I didn’t have a seatmate at church on Sundays, or a partner in crime on Wednesdays. I couldn’t sing crazy with him anymore. I wasn’t being told that I was pretty, and I wasn’t being honored. I was being lied to, manipulated, cheated on, pushed around, and stolen from. And I allowed that because of my fears.
But the thing is… Ron didn’t give me worth. He literally was someone I loved with my whole heart, that didn’t love me the same back. But I wasn’t alone. and I had a chance at a family. Crazy how we rationalize things in our darkest times, huh?
After my divorce, I learned a million things about myself. I learned I enjoyed staying up late and watching 90s reruns. I loved eating Coney Island with my best friends at 3 am. I learned I am a big kid at heart. I learned that I enjoyed wine and crying(it’s good for the soul). I like driving my loud car around with all the windows down singing emo music with people. I enjoy alter calls at church. I love working with teenagers. I learned I wanted to become a children’s pastor. But, most importantly, I learned that it’s okay for me to expect in my future relationships. It’s okay to have goals, and it’s okay to turn people down because they aren’t where I am or they have no intentions of being there. And I learned that no man is going to make me any more beautiful than I already am.
So, I encourage you if you’re in a relationship that isn’t helping you become all God has called you to be, leave*unless you’re married. Talk to a trusted person of God*. If you are in a relationship where you’re not being honored, leave. HAVE EXPECTATIONS. and DO NOT SETTLE. Don’t let your fears win. Don’t let the devil steal your destiny. Make a list of all the qualities that are important to you. And stick to it! And most importantly, when you wake up in the morning tell yourself how wonderful you are. Because you are wonderful and you are beautiful. Even in all of our flaws, God made us in His image. That means everyone.
I’m praying for anyone that is walking through this right now.